Costumer Conundrum
by FrostedMerry
Summary: AU from within the Dead Hooker Juxtaposition; A new neighbor moves in, she's female so the boys are in, but is she another walk on character we'll never see again, or will she integrate with the group. Shenny, Raj/OFC Joey, Leonard/Stephanie, Howard/OFC Nancy Edited for readability 20 July 2016, ta AvidReaderAlso for the heads up.
1. Moving Day

Title: Costumer Conundrum

Author: FrostedMerry

Spoilers: Since I'm not sure where this AU will end, just consider all seasons fair game. This story starts in "The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition", includes a small snippet of dialog straight from DHJ and will continue to veer alongside canon mostly. Also AU for The Vartabedian Conundrum, Leonard did NOT dump Stephanie and while the date went well between Stuart and Penny, she didn't say Leonards name...

Summary: AU from within the Dead Hooker Juxtaposition; A new neighbor moves in, she's female so the boys are in, but is she another walk on character we'll never see again, or will she integrate with the group. Shenny, Raj/OFC, Leonard/Stephanie, Howard/Bernie

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters contained herein. I'm not making any money from this and no one else is either.

Status: in progress

Rating: PG so far, for possible naughty words.

Chapter 1 – Moving Day

The lobby, there are boxes everywhere and large men are carrying them up the stairs.

"Oh, no, the new ones, they're here," wailed Sheldon. "Stay calm, we don't know anything about them yet."

Leonard tries to reassure him, "What are you doing?"

Sheldon is shaking a box, "I'm checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you?"

Leonard shakes his head, "The box says kitchen."

"So? Do cocaine smugglers write cocaine on the box?" Scoffed Sheldon.

They were interrupted by the arrival of a woman coming down the stairs. "Er, can I help you?"

Leonard looked up into the face of an angel. Of course Leonard pretty much thought the sun rose and set on even the most marginally attractive women, so she might have just been a woman in general, Sheldon sure didn't look impressed, but then what really impressed him anyway? "Oh er, we were just..." Leonard stumbled on the words, trying to think of how to explain Sheldon.

"I was looking for musical instruments," Sheldon told her, with a glare.

She glared right back. "Are you planning to rob me?"

Sheldon stood up straight, eyes gleaming with indignation, "Rob you!?" he sputtered.

"He's worried about noise," Leonard explained, "we're guessing you're moving into 5a? We live in 4a and well, he's nuts."

She quirked an eyebrow, "Nuts I can deal with. I have no musical instruments. Does that reassure you?"

"Not particularly," Sheldon admitted, "Do you have pets? Children? Tap shoes?"

She waved her hands in his direction. "Dude, chill down. I'm single, no kids, no pets and I don't tap dance. I can't make any guarantees, cause life you know, but I don't think I'm any noisier than any other people."

Sheldon was not mollified by this statement, "I'll be keeping tabs on you."

"Well that's not creepy or anything." She looked at Leonard, "Can you control him? Is he yours? You said 'we' about apartment 4a right?"

Leonards shoulders drooped, "We do live together, separately, heterosexually, together. But," his voice dropped down to a mumble, "I haven't really found much way to reel him in when he gets crazy."

"I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested," Sheldon broke in with a pout.

"Damn his Vulcan hearing," Leonard continued mumbling.

As they stood there, Leonard staring at his shoes, Sheldon pouting and the new woman shaking her head in confusion, a large man came down the stairs asking, "Joey, what's next?"

"Oh I think you'd best grab those two," she waved a hand towards a stack of boxes, "I'll take this one, it's fragile."

Leonard perked up, "I could carry something, I have to go up the stairs anyway."

"I guess, if you want to help, you could grab that box. Thanks, I'm Joey, by the way." She said waving toward another box.

"Leonard. Is me. I mean I am Leonard. That's my name. He's Sheldon. He doesn't really do social niceties." Leonard all but simpered.

"I beg your pardon," Sheldon interjected, as they started up the stairs, "I simply see no point in joining you in your constant search for carnal gratification. My mind is busy discovering the meaning of life..."

"42," interrupted Joey.

Sheldon's eyes bugged, "...and people say I'm bad with social niceties. There is no call for rudely interrupting me with inane book quotes. I am a theoretical physicist who is going to win a Nobel Prize someday!"

Penny is overhears as she exits her apartment, "There's my favorite wackadoodle! What's up guys?"

"Oh hi Penny. This is Joey, our new neighbor. I'm helping!" Leonard chimed eagerly.

"So you are. Hi I'm Penny, I'd offer my hand but yours are clearly busy. Who are your friends?" Penny inquired, ogling the unknown men who had just joined them on the landing.

Joey took in the look, "This is Matt and David, they're friends who helped me move from San Bernadino."

Leonard's face falls as he takes in Penny eyeing the two larger, buffer, handsomer men, "So uh, Matt, David, what do you do?"

One of the two answers, "We're MPs. We trained with Garcia."

Leonard had no idea what this meant, so he tried to bluff, "Ahh MPs, good, good. I'm a TP." He tried to puff out his chest, but it just made him wheeze, especially after walking up four flights of stairs.

Sheldon, being tired of this nonsense, heads into 4a. Penny discretely watches him go, not unnoticed by Joey, "So Penny, what do you do? I'm a costume designer. And to make time pass faster I keep rowdy kids in line at the roller rink."

Penny startles slightly, "I'm an actress. Mostly. I work at the Cheesecake Factory to pass the time til I'm famous."

The guys go down the stairs for the last of the boxes, while Leonard follows Penny and Joey up to 5a. "So I gotta know, do you know when the elevator will be back in service?" Joey asked, not seeing the guilty look on Leonard's face, for which he was thankful. "We still have to move my the big stuff; trying to drag it up the stairs is going to be craptastic."

"Oh ugh," Penny griped, "That thing has been out of order since I moved here a couple years back. You are not wrong about moving furniture up these stairs."

"Shoot, that blows chunks. Maybe I should hire some guys to come out and help." Joey grimaced, "Matt and David have to head out tonight, it was awesome that they wasted all their leave on me, gotta love them. Thank goodness they're single, I'd hate to have girlfriends tearing out my hair for taking their men away for them for the better part of a week."

"Oh I have some friends who would be happy to help." Leonard said, throwing Raj and Howard under the bus while they couldn't defend themselves.

Joey looked over her shoulder at Leonard as she walked through the door of 5a, "Oh that would be cool. You can set that box here, thanks." She set down the 'fragile' box on the kitchen island and glanced around at the stacks of boxes. Almost half were marked fabric or sewing, and they would need to be moved down the hall. "Say Leonard, since Shelton was so worried about noise, which room is his, the first or second?"

"Uh, it's Sheldon. His room is the first one," Leonard explained, "you aren't planning to deliberately annoy him, are you?" This last bit brought out interesting matching smirks on both ladies faces, which made Leonard squirm uncomfortably.

Joey grimaces, "I'm so sorry, I'm awful with names. Ask me about fabric and I can go on for days. Just give me a few goes and I should have it down. Actually I was just thinking that I should set up my shop in the back room then, just in case. I mean I've never had any complaints about my machines being overheard from any other place I've lived, but he kinda seemed like he had a bit of a stick up his butt, so..." She let the sentence trail off, seeing the looks on both faces. "So that's a yes on the stick, judging by your faces?"

Penny giggled, "Well I guess you could say that. He's like totally OCD and has schedules for his schedules. Don't ever ask, cause he goes on and on about everything."

Leonard really couldn't argue about that, "She's right, don't ask. It's easier for all of us if you could just ask us later. He has amazing hearing and if he hears you ask, it's all over."

Matt and David come through the door carrying the last of the boxes. Joey points to an empty area near the hall and they place the boxes there.

"Last things are the big furniture Joey, you want us to go ahead and start on them?" David asks her.

"Shoot no, we should eat first. I'm dying for a cheeseburger!" Joey exclaimed. Turning to Penny, she asks, "Please tell me you know where we can find food near here!"

"Yep," Penny said, "you could hit the Factory. Even Sheldon enjoys the cheeseburgers and he's anal about his food. It's not far, I can give you directions."

Leonard took this time to interject, "Should I see if the guys can come help with the furniture, they could come when you are done eating?"

Joey looked to Matt and David, who nodded, "Yeah totally. That would be awesome. Should I pick up some beers or something for them, for helping?"

"Oh yeah, we love beer. And drinking." Leonard bragged, "Because we're men."

Joey tried really hard not to laugh at the look on his face, but her friends had no mercy and snickered from the back of the room. Penny led Joey out to the hallway, giving her directions to the Cheesecake Factory, while Leonard trailed behind, trying to be one of the guys. Joey nodded her head as she jotted down notes on the back of her hand and then locked her door. "Thanks Penny." She smiled at them both, "Leonard we'll see you and your friends in an hour?" Leonard nodded vigorously in response.

Leonard stood on the landing watching the small group head down the stairs, quickly he whipped out his phone, "Howard, this is great. I met the new neighbor and I said we'd help her move some furniture so you gotta get Raj and get over here. What? No. Well I know we don't have a lot of upper body strength, but chicks don't just fall out of the sky. This is your chance to impress her!" They argued for a few more minutes before Howard agreed to come along with Raj in a bit. Leonard went downstairs to 4a smiling broadly. He found Penny pestering Sheldon about something. "The guys are gonna come help Joey move later, so we're gonna miss Halo." Leonard told Sheldon, wincing for the complaint he knew would be forthcoming.

"But Leonard, it is Wednesday night, we always play Halo after we got to the comic store! We should be leaving in 5 minutes. How am I supposed to go without you?" Sheldon wailed, he hated having his schedule compromised.

"Oh sweetie," Penny reassured, "I'll take you to the store this time, and then we can pick up dinner on the way back."

"I suppose that will be acceptable Penny. Go change your shoes, flip flops are inappropriate foot wear for driving." Sheldon pointed out.

"Yeah no. But I am gonna go get my purse, then we can go." Penny smirked. Sheldon barely managed to contain the stamp his foot wanted to do out of irritation. Penny always seemed to irritate him more than any other person in his social circle.

In the end Joey almost regretted letting Leonard bring in his friends to help. They were not particularly strong and the one whined incessantly, between hitting on her. The other was oddly silent, at first she thought he was deaf, but when she tried signing to him, he didn't seem to notice. The whiney one did notice and was quick to hit on her in yet another way. Later she'd have to ask Peggy, no, Penny, what was with the quiet guy, after all he was pretty cute.

Eventually, all the big stuff was in the apartment and in the correct rooms, the neighbors all left and she said her goodbyes to her 'boys' with hugs, tears(hers) and promises to visit whenever they could.

Joey looked around her full but quiet apartment. First order of business; find her stereo, working in the silence would drive her round the bend. She quickly found the correct box and had music streaming through the room. Night time was her time, she always did her best work at night. She opened all the windows and got to work.

It was daybreak when she finally called it quits and turned in. Hanging the black out drapes had been one of the first things she did in her room, before she even made the bed. Now she dropped her clothes in the hamper and crawled into bed.


	2. Emergency Mode Activated!

Chapter 2- Emergency Mode Activated!

Penny was coming up the stairs after a hard day's work, feeling super grungy and ready for a shower when she found Joey pacing outside her door.

"Holy crap am I glad to see you!" Joey cried out, "I'm so sorry to ask this, but I've got to get to Vegas like right now, my sister is in premature labor and her folks are out of town and I need to be with the kids and.."

Penny grasped Joey by the upper arms, forcing her to stop, "Hey calm down, I can barely understand you!"

Joey took a deep breath, trying to calm her body. "My sister isn't due for another three or four weeks and her folks usually watch the kids while she's at the hospital, but they are on a business trip in Florida. Her in laws can't get here for another week, and I'm the nearest person she trusts to watch her brood long term. They're staying with a friend right now but they're scared, since this has never happened before. I mean honestly, this is her fourth baby and she's always has fairly easy pregnancies. I don't start work for another week, since I wanted time to get settled in..."

"Joey, you're still all over the place honey." Penny unlocked her door and led Joey to the couch. "Sit down, and tell me what you need from me. A ride to the airport? House plants watered?"

"Oh I'm so sorry, I've just been so agitated. Since I was expecting to be home for the next week I had several packages coming next week, but now I have to go and I don't really know anyone else in town to ask. I can't delay the shipments, cause I really really need the stuff, it was already on backorder as it is!" Joey all but wailed, "I'm so sorry to impose, but could you sign for them and put them in my place? I'll pay you and give you my keys. I was going to ask Leonard or Sheldon, if you hadn't come just now, I have to go soon, traffic's gonna suck as it is."

"Lordy, you so don't want to involve Sheldon in this. He'd have a ton of paperwork waiting for you before you could get your stuff. One small box of rhinestones and he was off the rails talking about bail and stuff." Penny recalled with a small shudder, "I can totally get your packages and you mail in general; you don't have to pay me. Is it coming by mail or UBS?"

Joey visibly relaxed, "UBS; I can call them now to have them dropped at your place if you want, so you don't have to go upstairs. They are supposed to arrive Tuesday, there are three big boxes. The UBS guy is going to hate the stairs, but I suppose they're used to it, if they've delivered here before. I'm gonna have to talk to the building manager about that, I can't have clients not be able to come up because they can't do five flights of stairs. Holy crap, lookit the time, I've gotta run!" She reached in her pocket and pulled out the keys and a business card.

"Here are the keys. This is my card, I've got to get new ones made with the new address, but that's my cell number there if you need to get ahold of me. Thanks again Penny, I really really appreciate it. I'll take you to dinner when I come back ok!" She stood and grabbed Penny in a tight hug before almost running out the door. Penny stood, staring at the door for a moment, before dropping down on the couch in exhaustion. She looked at the card in her hand,

:: Joey Garcia: Costumer, Seamstress, Tailor

Please call for appointments and pricing. ::

Then a San Bernardino address and phone number were listed, along with a website and email address.

"Huh. I don't think I ever caught her last name, now I know." Penny said to herself, rising from the couch to deposit her keys, along with Joey's keys and the card into her bowl by the door. Locking the door she went to take a shower.

Joey placed her suitcase into the back of the car and threw her bag on the passenger seat, fishing out her ipod and plugging it in; driving for four or five hours with only the radio would drive her round the bend. She stopped at the gas station, topped up the tank and picked up some snacks and drinks for the road. She used the drive time to plan some costumes she had in the works and check in with her brother in law Nathan.

Nathan explained that the doctors were trying to stop the labor. He had talked to Mary, the friend watching their older children, and the kids, who were fine, worried of course, but in reasonably good spirits. He talked to his folks but the were unable to come any sooner than previously noted. Evie's parents were doing their best to wrap up their business so they could come home sooner, but it would still probably be a few days.

Mary said she was sorry that she couldn't keep the kids, but with her three and their three it was pretty crazy at her house. She didn't even have a car that could move them all at once.

Nathan told Mary not to worry as Joey was expected by morning and she could take the kids home to wait in familiar surroundings.

Talking to Nathan helped lift her spirits and she sent her love to Evie and told him to get on back to her as she needed his support much more than Joey needed him.

It was hours later, the sun was in her eyes and she was nearing her sister's house. She pulled up at the curb and parked. She unlocked the front door, turned off the alarm and greeted the beasts, who were all up under her feet. She checked the auto feeder and dog yard, everything was clear so she hung her keys on the rack and grabbed Evies. She reset the alarm and went out through the garage. Using the gps in Evie's van, she input the address Nathan had texted earlier and off she went to fetch her niblings.

When she pulled up in front of the unfamiliar house, she wasn't really surprised to see Gwyneth's face peering out the front window. She knew her niece wouldn't be able to sleep well until she was at home, in her own bed. If she was really lucky Zach and Maisy would go back to sleep for a little while longer and she could recharge a bit from the drive. Joey popped out of the van and rapped lightly on the door, a woman who opened it immediately, baby on her hip. "Oh please tell me you are Joey?" The lady said, sounding very tired.

"Yep that's me, you want ID?" Joey joked, as Gwyneth squished past and latched onto her waist. Joey wrapped her arms around her niece, holding her close, whispering to her hair, "I got ya love, they're gonna be fine. Your mama's a fighter, you'll see, she'll be home in no time." Gwyneth just looked up at her, fear in her eyes; she was aware that didn't always happen, old history never really died afterall.

"That right there," Mary said, indicating the hugging, "tells me pretty much everything I need to know. She didn't sleep well. In fact she kept me company since Maggie had a rough night."

"I like babies, you know that Auntie Jo," Gwyneth broke in, "but can we go home now. I'm really tired and I think if we get them in bed straight away Zach and Mais might sleep a bit longer."

Joey nodded at her words, "I was hoping that too!" She turned her attention back to the lady, "Mary right?" At Mary's nod she continued, "Lead on McDuff."

Mary led them into the living room, where Zach and Maisy were sprawled out on a pullout sofa bed. "I can get Zach if you can handle Mais," Joey told Gwyneth, "but did you have your back packs or anything?"

Gwyneth nodded and turned around to fetch her siblings stuff along with her own. There were two backpacks and Maisy's diaper bag, so she grabbed them and took them out the car, stopping to open the sliding door and get the buckles pulled up out of the car seat so it would be easy to tuck Maisy in. She turned in time to see Joey come out the front door with Zach slung up on her shoulder, she pointed to the third row to indicated his booster, but really Joey spent enough time around her mom to know how the carseats worked.

She trudged in to fetch Maisy and gave Mary a quick hug and murmured thanks, knowing the rest of her brood would be up soon. She picked Maisy up and snuggled her to her chest, she knew she wouldn't' be able to do this much longer, Mais was getting so big. She took her out and strapped her in, checking the straps were tightened down. Then she flipped up the middle row seat and buckled herself in while Joey talked to Mary.

Soon Joey was in the front and they were on their way home. Gwyneth dozed until they pulled into the garage at home, then she roused to be steered into her room and to bed. She was fully asleep before Joey made it back to the garage for the other two kids.

Joey moved the other two kids quickly, hoping against hope they'd stay asleep, Zach roused and hugged her, telling her, "Don't worry Auntie Jo, if Mais wakes up before you do, I'll get her fed and keep her busy til at least noon."

Joey kissed his cheek and told him, "Thanks buddy. You sure do have my number huh?" He lay down on the couch drowsy still and napped. Maisy clung to sleep tenaciously and Joey got her settled in her little bed, before she called Nathan to let him know that she was there and had the kids settled back home. He told her thanks and practically hung up on her, so she knew that things were happening at the hospital. She plugged her phone in to charge and flung herself down on the bed wearily.

The next thing she was aware of was giggles, as she swam back to consciousness. She opened her eyes to find Maisy sitting on her pillow with a plate of toast.

"Auntie Jo!" Maisy squealed, "You're awake! Did you talked to mommy and daddy, is Tyler coming now?"

Joey groaned but sat up and took the toast, "Thanks for breakfast Squirt. Where's everyone else?" She looked at her phone and found a text from Evie's dad, saying that they were wrapping up and expected to be on a plane that night. "I haven't talked to your daddy since I brought you home, but I'm gonna call him now to see how your mommy is, okidoki."

"Kidoki Auntie Jo." Maisy slid down off the bed and wandered off, while Joey stuffed a piece of the toast in her mouth and dialed her brother in law.

He told her that the doctors had been able to stall Evie's labor, but for how long they couldn't be sure. Since she was around 37 weeks gestation the doctors weren't as worried about Tyler's lungs as they would have been even a week ago. He let her speak to Evie for a few moments, which was really just to reassure Evie that Joey was really there with the kids, before he had to get off the phone.

Joey tucked her phone in her pocket, ran her fingers through her messy hair and bit into the other piece of toast as she left the room. She found Maisy and Zach playing a board game in the family room, and spotted Gwen curled up with a book, catching a nap on the couch.

"Hiya Monkeys! I just talked to your folks and they've talked Tyler into staying put for a little while at least. Your mama sounds tired, but I reckon I'd be pretty tired too, putting up with you guys and being pregnant." Joey joked, but she knew her sister was exhausted. She hoped she'd be able to rest, even if she didn't get to come home.

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm sure glad it's the weekend. Does anyone have homework? Or anything for school Monday I need to know about now. I don't want your grandpa's to be surprised." Joey continued, with a smirk.

Zach looked up, "Did you talk to Grandpa Arthur then? Are they coming home soon?"

Joey crouched down to hug him, "Yep they texted this morning while I was asleep. He said he was expecting to be on a plane tonight. So we'll see them tomorrow hopefully. So what'cha wanna do with the rest of today?"

They spent the day lazing about, waiting for the phone to ring. They were happy to hear from Evie's folks that they indeed had wrapped up early and were on the way to the airport that evening. It was 6 am on Sunday morning that Nathan called to tell them that Tyler had made his appearance and was doing very well. They'd whisked him off to the NICU as a precaution, but he was doing well, with only supplemental oxygen. Evie was recovering well, sleeping in her room and they said she'd be able to go up to the NICU to see Tyler when she woke up.

They were encouraging Nathan to do kangaroo care with Tyler so he didn't stay on the phone long. A few hours later Evie's folks landed and Joey was able to relay the same info to them about Evie and Tyler. They were ecstatic and even though they were tired they wanted to take the kids out for brunch. So Joey and the kids piled into the van and headed off to the Fleur de'Lune to eat at the buffet.

Nathan called that evening to update them. Evie was with Tyler, who was doing well. He was going to come home for a little while, but then head back to stay with Evie. It was very hard for Evie to be away from her kids and little Tyler too. He showed up a bit later, showered and hung out with the kids for a little while. Joey mixed up a batch of pizza dough and had the kids so busy making their own individual pizzas that they hardly put up a fuss when he had to head back to the hospital. Nathan kissed her cheek and hugged her before he left.

He hadn't been gone an hour, when the phone rang; his parents were calling to talk to the kids. They spent an hour talking to their grandparents, eating pizza and then got ready for bed. Joey slumped down on the couch. She expected Evie's folks in a few minutes, but was beyond exhausted. Thank goodness for Arthur and Sven being able to come back straight away from Florida, Joey was happy to help and she loved her niblings like crazy, but she'd been there for school mornings and it was a mad house. It was amazing how they could do the same thing every day for months on end and still be so disorganised at the same time. Sven was going to stay at the house with her and Maisy, since Mais was not in school yet.

She opened the door when they texted they were outside. Arthur was a no nonsense kind of guy and he knew better than to wake up the kids with the doorbell and the dogs barking. They exchange pleasantries, grilled her about her love life, yeah no, none of that thanks, and then went to bed.

The older kids were already at school when Joey woke up. She found Maisy sitting at the kitchen counter while Sven made her pancakes. Arthur took her aside to update her on Evie and Tyler. Everything was going as well as could be expected. He was going to go up and visit in a bit and bring up some things Evie asked for. Joey joined Sven and Maisy in the kitchen and had some pancakes.

"Mommy and I do shopping on Monday." Maisy said, between bites, "Are we going to the store today?"

Joey and Sven shared a look. He held up a hand to indicate the grocery list on the fridge, "Looks like we could use a few things round here. Best get to it hmm?"

Joey nodded, "Righto then Mais my love, we'd best find something for you to wear." She picked up Maisy and plopped her on her hip, walking up the stairs to see what they could find.

"First you have to check the weather Auntie Jo, then you can get dressed. That way you don't get cold!" Maisy explained and then squirmed down to go open the window in her room. She stuck her face up to the screen and sighed. "It's coldish. That means tights if I wear a dress."


	3. Parenting, or Something Like It

Chapter 3 - Parenting, or Something Like It

Joey, Sven and Maisy had done the grocery shopping, picked up a few new things for Tyler and Evie and then had lunch before picking up the big kids at the bus stop on the way home. They could have walked, but as they were driving past anyway, it was silly to not pick them up.

They found Nathan at the house talking to the beasts. He hugged his kids and asked about their days, told them all about Tyler and how he was doing. When Maisy showed him the tiny outfit she had picked out he cried a little, the kids joined in, but after a few more rounds of hugs they perked up and were able to settle down to homework and playing. Nathan stayed a little longer, having a snack and packing some to take along, before he had to head back. Arthur was there with Evie but visiting hours were over very soon and he'd be heading back to be with the kids for dinner.

Joey was so tired, she was hiding in the upstairs bathroom when her phone chirped at her. It was Penny checking in to see how she was. She called her back. "Penny! How's things?"

Penny's voice was a welcome distraction, "Hi Joey. Everything is good here. How's your sister doing?"

"She had the baby, his name is Tyler. He's a little small and needs a little oxygen but he's doing really well. Evie should be able to come home tomorrow, but they don't know how long Tyler will need to stay." Joey's voice cracked a little, "Evie's dads are here now, they're putting the kids to bed and I'm hiding." She laughed a little at that last bit.

"Ok, well I'm glad everything is going well. See you soon?" Penny asked.

"I'm set to work next Monday night, so I know I'll be back before then for sure." Joey told her, adding, "I hope I can have a little time to get some stuff done at the apartment, I still have so much to unpack. I guess it depends on how much help Evie needs."

They hung up and Joey shambled off to bed, feeling like a zombie. Sven caught her sneaking past Maisy's door and winked at her before turning back to the book in his hands.

Nathan brought Evie home around noon on Tuesday, Maisy was over the moon, but Joey reminded her to be gentle, since she had just had a baby. Evie just sat on the couch and held Maisy, tears running down her face. Leaving Tyler at the hospital was tearing her up. Joey sat down next to her and rubbed her back in small circles, Evie leaned over until she was nearly holding the both of them up. "Maisy, let's take mama upstairs so she can take a shower and a nap. Look at her eyes, she's so tired." Joey handed a small bag to Maisy, "Why don't you take this up and put it on mama's bed. Then we can go check on that laundry we started earlier okidoki?"

After they left Evie to shower, Joey and Maisy went to the laundry room, Maisy chattering along quietly about how excited she was that she wasn't the baby anymore and that Tyler was going to need her help with learning how to do all the things. They folded some clothes, put a new load in and went outside to play with the dogs. Nathan found them sitting on the porch swing, Maisy asleep and nestled into Joey's side.

"You look beat." He joked. "We know you're a night owl, so we appreciate you coming out to be with the kids right now."

Joey scoffed. "Pah, sleep. Family is much more important silly." Her face darkened with remembered sorrow, "I gotta take family while I can! You know Sam is graduating this year?"

Nathan scowled, "No. She's just a few years older than Gwen right? She can't be that old already? Right?"

Joey laughed at the look on his face. "You've got time yet. Don't get your pants in a bundle. Having kids has fried your brain. Cody graduated last year, remember!"

Life resumed fairly normally in the Archer house. Evie was up to get the kids ready for school, Nathan was going to work for a few hours, Maisy was going to preschool with Sven and Joey slept in until they came back. She found Evie napping on the couch still hooked up the her pump.

She nudged her to wake her up, "You want me to turn that off?"

Evie groaned. "Oh yeah." She lifted a bottle and grimaced at the scant amount of milk in the bottom. "Usually my milks coming in at this point. What am I going to do Joey?"

Joey sat down next to her, "You know I know next to nothing about babies and milk and stuff, right?"

Evie laughed at her expression. "The doctor said my milk may take longer to come because Tyler was early. She said to pump every few hours anyway, just to let my body know that I need the milk now. I have to go back to the hospital before the kids get out of school to nurse Tyler and check in with him. I hate leaving him there!" She wailed, throwing herself into Joey's arms.

"Aww honey." Joey murmured, she had no idea what to say to make Evie feel better, so she just hummed a little and held her while she cried.

Joey was sitting at the bus stop when Gwen and Zach stepped off the bus. "Hey guys." She smiled and waved. The kids rushed over to hug her and ask about Tyler. She reassured them that Tyler was fine and that Evie was at the hospital with him, but that she'd be home for dinner and did they want tacos or beef broccoli for dinner? Super aunt and supreme distractor ahoy!

Homework was done and the week passed in much the same manner. Joey helped Evie during the day, then managed dinner while Evie and Nathan visited with Tyler in the evenings. Zach was a little upset about not getting to see them in the evenings, but between the grandpas and Joey, he was kept too busy to complain much.

By Friday when Joey said she really did need to head back home, the family had settled down to a rhythm and were doing alright. They were expecting Nathan's parents in a few days so they would be ok. She left with hugs and kisses, promised to be back for Maisy's birthday party next month and then she was gone.

Traffic was a bear, but she had some good tunes and snacks, so she managed just fine. She was exhausted when she finally pulled into the parking lot at 2311 N Los Robles and just wanted her bed. She had asked Penny to leave her key in her mailbox, which she had done, so she grabbed it and headed straight up to bed. There was a neat pile of mail on her kitchen island and the boxes Penny had intercepted for her were stacked neatly nearby. All was good and her bed was there to take her to slumberland.


	4. Getting in the Groove

Chapter 4 - Getting in the Groove

Joey spent the weekend doing laundry, unpacking and setting up the apartment. Before she left she had set up her room and unpacked her clothes and toiletries, and getting the living room situated. Now she had a dining area near the kitchen, she had her desk and file cabinets set up near the window in the back of the apartment.

The piece de resistance, a room most people wouldn't even see, was her work room. She had the cutting table set in front of the window, her L shaped desk set in one corner with her sewing machine and serger set up. She had racks of thread hung on the all above. Cork boards and white boards placed around the room. Her dressmakers dummies were standing together over in another corner. There were bins of fabric in the closet and under the cutting table.

It was so nice to have a whole room to spread out in. She thought about before and how she was set up wherever she could find the space. How many times her projects had to be packed up and moved into the bedroom to keep the front of the house tidy for visitors. Thinking about it reminded her of Will and she sighed heavily.

She ran into Penny on the stairs when she came home from the hardware store and Penny said she could come up and help make sure the pictures were level.

Penny laughed when she showed her the box of picture frames. "Are you planning to see any wall at all?"

"Pictures are all I have left of some people," Joey said sadly.

"Oh honey I'm so sorry. I've never even asked. Woah!" Penny wooshed as she saw the first photo out of the box. It was a wedding portrait, Joey smiling brightly in a white gown. "I didn't know you were married!" Penny exclaimed, looking up at Joey, whose face was grim.

"I was. Will died a few years ago. That's when I moved to San Bernardino. I had to get away from that death trap." Joey very nearly spit the last few words. She collapsed onto the couch. "Everyone I love dies," she wailed.

"Oh honey, everyone dies, it's not because they knew you!" Penny cried, trying to reassure her, flailing for something to say.

"No you don't understand at all Penny!" Joey choked out, "My mom died when I was born. My grandparents died when I was little. My dad died when I was in high school and my best friend died right when we finally were becoming a family again." Joey's emotions were running very high and she was wild eyed, tears cascading down her face.

Penny felt so bad for even bringing it up. Both her parents were still alive. No one she was close to had ever died.

Finally Joey pulled herself together, sniffling she stood up. "I'm sorry Penny. I thought I was doing ok, but I guess all the stress of the last few weeks has really beaten me down."

Penny smiled, "Honey you've been running steady since I met you I'm not surprised it's crashing on you. Now about your pictures. Should we lay them all out in a timeline or just groups..." She trailed off, but it was what they needed to get started again. They pulled out all the pics, with Joey telling stories about the people in them, laughing sometimes and sniffling at others. In the end they all made it on the wall, Penny was amazed that they all made the trip with no broken glass and said so.

"You gotta have good packers and movers silly. Marines don't mess around." Joey laughed, "They can tetris like you wouldn't believe too."

"Were you in the military?" Penny asked quietly.

"Oh no, not me, I'd be dreadful. I like sleep and food far too much. But I love my Marines. Wills fathers is a Marine and Will joined up right after we graduated so I've been smack in the middle of all of it for years now. Will's folks, Mama Tess and Papa Ricky, took me in when my dad died, so that I could finish high school without moving.

Evie would have been happy to have me, but Gwen and Zach were little and I wanted to be with my friends." Joey smiled a little here, "I shared a room with his little sister Sam until we graduated, then he went away to boot camp and I moved up to Lubbock to go to Texas Tech. We got married the next year, but we almost never saw each other, between school and deployments. Until I finished my Bachelors and he was stationed in Twentynine Palms, that's when we finally lived together as a married couple. We didn't even have a year before he died."

"Wow," Penny muttered, "I swear I'm surrounded..." she trailed off sadly.

"What do you mean Penny?" Joey asked.

"Leonard, Sheldon and Raj are doctors. Not like medical doctors but still. And Howard like works on the space ships and stuff. Shoot Sheldon said he'd have to drop like a hundred IQ points just to be a genius." Penny railed, "I'm just a waitress, I dropped out of community college. I'm as dumb as a bag of bricks."

Joey was shocked by this statement. "Look Penny, not everyone goes to college, but that doesn't make you dumb. That makes you uneducated. That's fixable if you wanted to. You can't fix stupid," she laughed.

Penny smiled. "You are so right. I could go to school. But I want to act. That's why I moved here. It's killing me that I've been here this long and all I've done is one night in Rent, which the boys would rather lie to me about having to go to an intervention than see and The Diary of Anne Frank, above a bowling alley." Penny cried out, frustrated, "Every audition I go to all I hear is 'you're too midwestern, not blonde enough,your eyes are the wrong color'... I mean what the heck does that even mean? I can change my hair, I could even use contacts for my eyes, and it's called 'acting'," she finger quoted, "I can be whatever I need to be!"

"Do you ever model?" Joey asked Penny, cocking her head to the side, "Cause I could maybe find you work doing that. I've worked with a lot of costumers here in Southern California and they've always got an eye out for people to do photoshoots of their work. Maybe even do booth work."

"What kind of costumes do you make Joey?" Penny asked, "I've never modeled but I'm sure I could learn. I mean what do they do anyway. Wear clothes and pose, right? How hard is that? I wear clothes and look damn good all the time."

Joey chuckled, "Yeah mostly wearing the clothes is the point, but if you look like a dead fish in them no one will hire you! I make costumes for cosplayers mostly. Some halloween costumes for people willing to spend the kind of money to get a pro to design and make you a showstopper. I also do simple costumes for my small business online. That's my bread and butter. Just simple stuff, like dress up stuff for little kids. It's easy to churn out, it's simple to do and takes very little fabric."

She waved her hand towards the hall, "Do you want to see some of my work? I can show you what I'm building right now. I have to farm out the armor and other plastic stuff, but I have a friend to handle that." She winked and led Penny to the work room.

Penny's jaw dropped when she entered the work room, "Is that a female version of the Joker?", she gasped.

"Yeah. I love the gender swaps the best. I love helping a client figure out how to transfer the key concepts to another body type. I'm particularly fond of the swap I did of Ariel once. This client was built like Sheldon, maybe a little bulkier in arms and legs, he wanted to have the tail look but still be able to walk. It turned out freaking brilliant." Joey pointed out a picture on one of the corkboards.

"Oh my," Penny all but cooed. "That's hot." She fanned her face with her hand. "You know I think the boys do this kind of stuff. At like comic things. I dunno what it's called. They dressed up as all sorts of weird stuff for my Halloween party last year too."

"Oh good, perhaps I can rope them in for characters I am unfamiliar with. Having brains to pick for stuff like this is so important. Cause I'm just not into every sci-fi/fantasy/anime/video game that exists. I'd never have time for important things. Like sewing and skating! Sleep, pfft..." Joey giggled, "But seriously who has time for that!?"

"Oh the boys are into all kinds of nerdy stuff. Star Trek or Wars or whatever and comic books..." Penny explained, "Sheldon and Leonard's place has dolls and stuff and Howard has those laser swords or whatever mounted over his bed."

"Wait that weasel got you in his bedroom?" Joey's jaw dropped, "Seriously, with the creepy lines and the leer?!"

Penny back peddled heavily, "OMG no, no, no! They built this robot and he was creeping on me and I had a rough day and I let him have it over his stupid comments... so he bailed on them and their robot got it's butt kicked and I had to go convince him to rejoin the team. I mean he seriously wouldn't leave his room. Then he tried to kiss me when I apologized for being a 'b' and I straight punched his lights out."

By the end of this tale Joey was doubled over laughing hysterically with tears running down her face, gasping for air. "What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall." She said between gasps, "I wanted to sock him a few times when he was helping us move."

Penny grinned, "Yeah he's super gross and icky. I don't know why he thinks that crap is okay at all."

"Well he'd better watch his mouth around me." Joey growled, "I don't take that kind of crap from anyone. My husband made sure I knew how to handle men who don't understand that I am a person and not a thing for their amusement."


	5. Work and Conversation

Chapter 5 - Work and Conversation

Joey nearly ran into Sheldon and Leonard coming in from work as she dashed down the stairs, with a pair of roller blades slung over her shoulder. "Sorry boys, see ya later!" was all they heard as she disappeared around the corner.

Sheldon tutted, "That woman lacks a clear understanding of stair etiquette."

Leonard knew better but he couldn't help but sputter, "Stair etiquette?" He immediately regretted it when Sheldon started in on the etiquette of using public stairs, but didn't have to be annoyed long, because Penny came down the stairs on her way to work and she looked lovely as always. He sighed heavily. She was the perfect woman, someday their babies would be smart and beautiful. It didn't occur to him that he had a lovely girlfriend, who could also make smart babies; she would also be very cross to find him thinking of such about another woman.

"Hey Sweetie, Leonard, how was your day?" Penny asked politely, saving Leonard from hearing about stairs for a little while at least.

"Great," gushed Leonard, because his day was always made better by Penny's smiling face.

Sheldon, on the other hand simply said, "My day was uneventful."

"Alright then," Penny smiled at them both, "I guess I'll see ya later!" Then she was off down the stairs leaving Leonard to face the reality that indeed Sheldon had not forgotten the stair etiquette dissertation and the smile fell off his face.

It happened that Penny and Joey both returned home from work at the same time and ascended the stairs side by side, a clear breach of stair etiquette, but since Sheldon wasn't around it didn't really matter. "Today was your first day right?" Penny asked tiredly.

"Yep. But it was mostly fun. I got to skate. Music wasn't terrible, mostly. I might stab myself in the ears if I have to hear 'Single Ladies' one more time. It's not a bad song per say, but I swear they played it a dozen times tonight!" Joey chirped, clearly not tired, which made Penny a little jealous.

"Oh I hear ya." Penny agreed. "I feel dead on my feet and it's days like these that I really wanna find out what's up with the elevator."

"Working customer service is the pits," Joey agreed. "Nothing is ever good enough and every customer thinks they are the only ones."

"Ohmigod, you are so right! What the heck is up with that? I don't act like that when I am out shopping or eating!" Penny exclaimed, getting worked up. "Some kid threw crayons at me and his parents were just all, 'Oh boys will be boys.' Like la-di-da, assault is so cute. I think everyone should have to work in customer service before they are set loose on the world."

Joey held out her hand for a fist bump, "Preach it baby!"

They reached the fourth floor landing and said goodnight, Penny waving to Joey as she unlocked her door. Joey continued up and was surprised by a ping from her phone as she jammed her key in the lock. She entered and stuck her skates in the bin by the door and answered her phone, "Hello, Joey here."

From the phone, "Hi this is Nancy, I'm calling because a friend said you're the girl to call about costumes. I'm having trouble finding a fireproof or resistant fabric that is stretchy."

Joey laughed, "Are we cosplaying a firefighter or something?"

Giggles from the phone, "Uh no. Actually I do fire dancing and while I usually just wear my drawers, I need to develop an outfit for a burlesque performance. Something that I can easily remove but that I can be a little less worried about catching fire while I get out of it. I dunno."

Joey shrugged, "Well, I'm not sure what might be appropriate for that application." She grabbed a pad of paper and a pencil, "Gimme your number and I'll do some research and get back to you later k."

Joey met Nancy in the lobby just as Howard and Raj came through the front doors. "Joey, mademoiselle," He started in, reaching for her hand.

She cut him off, "Edward, I swear if you touch me..." Raj laughed and whispered in his ear. "I know Raj!" He responded annoyed, before turning back to her, "It's Howard, but you are forgiven for I'm told you have trouble with names. And who is this delightful young lady here with you this evening?"

He indicated Nancy, who snorted and raised her eyebrows, "Nancy. And what the Hell-o are you wearing there stud? It's a bit warm for turtlenecks ain't it? Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Raj groaned, then whispered frantically in Howard's ear, Howard waved him off, stuttering back quietly, but not nearly quietly enough, "I know you said that ages ago, be quiet, she's totally into me!" Then he he turned to Nancy and oozed what he considered charm, "Indeed I am very pleased to meet you Nancy. Would you allow me to escort you up the stairs?" He bowed low over his hand, and nearly peed himself when she took his hand and allowed him to lead her up the stairs.

Joey and Raj just stared after them, completely blown by this turn of events. They shared a look, then Joey nodded, "Well that went, uh, well. What the heck just happened here?" Raj, on account of the female companion could only shrug and look concerned.

They started up the stairs and Joey couldn't help but state, "So Penny mentioned you don't talk to her. You also don't seem to talk to me. But you were talking to Ed er Howard there, so I gotta know, what's up with that? Is it chicks in general?"

He nodded along as she spoke and at the last question he nearly nodded his head off.

"Ok, so just chicks. You ever think of learning sign language so you have a back up? Holy crap, what about at your work? Your boss isn't a lady huh?"

Raj shrugged at the first bit, nodded in thought of the second and his eyes got really really big when she mentioned his work and he shook his head in a negative. Then he mimed opening a beer and drinking it, then pretended to talk to her.

"Wait, you can talk to a girl if you have a drink? How the heck did you figure that out? That's wild." He nodded agreement and they alighted on the fourth floor landing to find Howard pushed up against the wall with Nancy glued to his face. They both squeaked and rushed for the next set of stairs.

"Bless my great aunts frilly knickers, that was bad. I feel like I need a drink! Or bleach for my brain." Joey said, vocalising a sort of gross sound like, 'yurgh'. Raj was delicately banging his head into the wall next to her door. She quickly opened the door and ushered him in, "Let me see if I can find something to drink, wait I'm jumping to an assumption, did you mean 'drink' as in any fluid or like alcohol only?"

He shook his head no to the first part, then nodded yes to the second part.

She rummaged around in her cupboards, "I don't drink very often, but I usually have a bit of rum, for those times I'm feeling it. Oh look there it is!" She pulled her head out of the cupboard and hopped down off the counter, "I wonder why I stuck it up there. Oh well," She poured a shot into a cup and handed it over. "Please don't get wasted though, cause that's just not cool." He nodded and gulped the drink, gagging a bit at the burn on the end.

"Thank you. Sorry about earlier. Howards a pig but that lady, what the heck was that? Who is she?" Raj blurted out.

"Oh my gawd," Joey cooed, "are you from another country or is that an affectation? I mean this is Hollyweird after all. No offense."

He gaped at her, "Uh no, I'm from India and I studied at the University of Cambridge, this is all me baby."

It was her turn to gape. "Baby. Well alrighty then. So what do you do? Penny mentioned most of you guys were doctors, but not medical doctors right?"

Now Raj tried to be smooth, "I'm an astrophysicist, I discovered a planetary body and was in People magazine. Speaking of heavenly bodies..." he opined, and was cut off swiftly.

"Whoa boy, do not tell me that under all that you're just another douche canoe! Seriously?" Joey cringed away, disappointed, she had had hopes, but there they went down to toilet.

"No no, I swear. I just always wanted to use that line, but I don't get very many chances to talk to women." Raj tried to save himself, "Aside from Penny most women just ignore me when they realise I can't talk to them. They think I'm weird. Ok I am weird, especially when I am whispering in Howard's ear. But still, you tried to talk to me and stuff. That's really cool."

Joey was saved from having to respond by a knock at her door. She found Howard and Nancy on the other side. "Joey, may I present my lady, Nancy. I seem to have distracted her from her appointment. My apologies." Howard oozed, bowing to her.

"Right, thanks for bringing her up Howard." She turned to lead Nancy along to her office area and realised that both guys were just standing there. "Sorry, this is not your appointment, if you'd like one, take a card from the shelf there by the door and see yourselves out, thanks buh-bye."

She led Nancy to a chair and then sat at the desk, where they began to discus the fire dancing, what sort of fibers were best and just exactly how she planned to strip while doing whatever it was she did with the fire.

Meanwhile on the stairs down, "Dude!" Raj lit into Howard. "I was totally talking to her and you had to interrupt. You got to like first base or something and I barely got to talk! What the frak man!"

"Oh hey, don't blame me, Nancy had an appointment she had to keep. She wanted to stay and make out with moi, but she's got to go to work later." Howard preened. "At least I got her digits!" He waggled his eyebrows lewdly.

"Well at least Joey invited me to take a card so now I have her number. Not that I can call her, cause I acted like an arse there right before you came." Raj said mournfully. "She may not accept my call even if I tried."

"Well you could text her. What the heck does she do anyway that she has people come for appointments?" Howard asked grabbing for the card in Raj's hand as they reached 4A.


	6. Recaps, Road Trips and Comic Con

Chapter 6 - Recaps, Road Trips and Comic Con

"So I said yeah sure I'd love to go to an art exhibit with you, but then when we came back Sheldon breezed in jawing about Batman and long story short I woke up alone. Awkward." Penny wailed to Joey, while Joey was pinning something. "So here is my second chance to see if dating someone a little less meatheady will work. You know? Only then I find out later from Sheldon that Leonard, who is totally dating Stephanie, tried to coach Stuart into messing up. I really wanna nail him the next time I see him, except whatever he said to Stuart didn't really work, we had a nice time. Well up until I said someone else's name while we were kissing."

Joey nearly choked on the pins, she quickly retrieved them and screeched, "No! Whose name?"

Penny couldn't quite meet her eyes and she mumbled, "Sheldon."

"Oh really. I wasn't aware that you guys had a thing?" Joey said confused, "I thought you dated the other one, uh Lenny?"

"Oh god no, not really, we had dinner once, when he said it was going to be all of us and only he showed, then we went on one date and it just didn't work out." Penny explained, "I don't have any idea why I said Sheldon's name. I mean I thought he was cute when we first met, but he drives me insane, with his weird rules and his spot. He strung my underwear up on a flipping phone line once because I touched his food and messed up his laundry night."

"So he's seen your undies?" Joey smirked, waggling her eyebrows excitedly.

"Like that was the first time." Penny shrugged, "He broke in my apartment once to clean it, because apparently it was driving him crazy."

"Hold up, hold up," Joey's face registers extreme concern, "He broke in?!"

"Oh well he had the key, so more like he snuck in while I was asleep, but yeah, super creepy right?" Penny explained. "But I forgave him forever ago. He doesn't really get social situations well."

Joey had relaxed, clearly if she was willing to give him a key to her place she wasn't too too worried about him being in her place.

Penny continued, "Like at Christmas, only he calls it Saturnalia," she rolled her eyes, "He was practically offended that I got him a gift. Going on about having to reciprocate properly and stuff. Then when he saw what I got him, he gave me like a dozen bath baskets and then said it wasn't enough and he hugged me. Like for real. It was wild. He doesn't do hugging or touching in general, germs you know." She wrinkled her nose.

"Oh yeah? What did you get him?" Joey asked, wildly interested.

"Oh some guy from Star Wars or Trek or whatever was in the restaurant and I heard someone ask him for an autograph and I realised he was Spork or whatever, Sheldon loves that guy, so I got him to sign his napkin. Sheldon nearly had kittens. He was all, 'DNA! and eggs and stuff.' I was like 'uh no. No eggs on offer yo!'" Penny laughed, it really was a great day.

Joey was nodding thoughtfully. "That's a pretty great gift. DNA notwithstanding." She giggled, "What the heck was he doing with a dozen bath baskets though?"

Penny smirked, "I got it out of Howard later. Sheldon got all of the guys to take him to the mall and since he didn't know what I got him or how much it cost or how much it showed our friendship level," she rolled her eyes again here, "he just decided to get a little bit of everything and then once he saw what I got him, he could bring out whatever fit and return the rest. But then he gave it all to me and said it wasn't enough. So hugging was clearly the answer."

Joey snickered, "Clearly. So in other news," Joey continued, "wanna join me on a road trip to Vegas? It's my niece's birthday but we can go out too. Get your mind off Stuart, Leonard and Sheldon. Plus snuggles with my new nephew!"

"Oh no way, that sounds pretty cool." Penny squealed, delighted with both the idea of a trip to Vegas and baby snuggles. "I gotta do something, I'm going crazy without the boys already and they just left."

"Oh please Penny, you gotta be careful about getting too wrapped up in them being gone. I let myself get so wrapped up in missing my best friend that I convinced myself that I was in love with him. I mean I did love him, no doubt, but I wasn't in love with him. But I missed him so much. We spent all of our time together in high school and then his family took me in when my dad died."

Joey teared up a bit, but continued on, "So when he left and I suddenly was all by myself in a new town, new school and everything. Then when he finally came back over the summer I just threw myself at him. Well who could resist that? It made everyone so happy and then we were married, but before we even really had time to be a married couple he was deployed and I was alone again. It took me a long time to realise that we both had just been lonely and that getting married wasn't our best plan, but it was so far down the road that it didn't matter anymore, cause we were married. Shoot we didn't live together properly as a married couple for like two years and then we did and we were getting the hang of being married and he went and killed himself screwing around in his car." She stopped, blinking back tears, "Man that sentence sure got away from me. I think I said the word 'and' like six times!"

Penny just stared at her, gob smacked. She had to blink back some tears of her own. "Well you sure do know how to put things into perspective. So Vegas. Let's do it. I'm in. Wait can we see Thunder From Down Under?!" She smirked naughtily.

Joey smiled back at her. "Dang straight we can."

"And that's how I ended up with his thong. I swear I have the worst luck with guys." Penny finished.

Joey was laughing fit to bust, near tears, "Oh stop, I'm trying to drive!"

Penny smirked at her, "Trying being the correct word, the speed limit is 75mph now and you're still doing 60mph. Pick up the pace girl, I've got to work tomorrow and I need my sleep!"

"I haven't had that much fun in Vegas ever. Most locals don't bother with most of the touristy stuff so I've never gone out like that."Joey laughed, "We usually just hang out at Evies and chill with the kids, or go swimming. They do alright, but going out with three, now four kids, is still expensive."

"I miss babies. Is that weird." Penny asked, with a wistful look. "I mean I don't feel like a pressing need to settle down and have kids or anything, but I do miss being around babies and kids. Back in Nebraska I had cousins and my little nephew, who is 13 now, I mean really where does the time go. I can remember being a little girl and seeing him for the first time. I think he was the first newborn I ever held. I'm sure I held some of my cousins when they were little but not that little."

"Oh I don't have any cousins of my own, but I gained a metric ton when I started hanging with Will." Joey joked. "And my niblings of course."

Penny's eyebrows were encroaching upon her hairline, "Niblings?"

Joey smiled widely, "Oh it's like how siblings refers to all of one's brothers and/or sisters, niblings refers to one's nieces and/or nephews. I ran across it once somewhere and I loved the word."

"Ok," Penny nodded, "that would be a lot easier than say 'my nieces and nephews. Which your niblings are adorable and so sweet, by the way."

"Oh good, cause Zachs birthday is next month and you can join me again!" Joey told her before turning up the radio

They continued chatting and alternately singing along with the mp3 player all the way home.

Penny ran into Joey who was climbing the stairs tiredly, "How was the flight?"

Joey scowled, "Dude I hate flying so hard. I'd rather drive anywhere! Ok, maybe not like Hawaii or Europe, 'cause water and all, but still ugh! I got stuck with a gropey guy on one side and a smelly one on the other side. I reiterate, I hate flying."

Penny nodded, "I recall you mentioned that, so how was the graduation?"

"Oh Sam was great, she was valedictorian. I swear she's the smartest of all of Wills siblings. All of the schools she applied for want her. The Marines too." Joey said, less than impressed. "But she told them off, politely of course, but still. She want's to be a doctor and help people."

Penny smiled, "That's great. You didn't miss anything here. Boys are still gone. Work is lame and I'm bored."

Joey grinned, "Yeah well I'm exhausted and you're gonna have to go be bored somewhere else."

Penny snorted, "What exactly do I look like I'm doing, silly."

Joey, looks little harder at Penny, taking in the short dress, high heels and makeup. "Oh I see. Well have fun. Call me if you need a ride, no matter how tired I am, I'm always available as a designated driver!"

"I'm never letting you near peppermint schnapps ever again!" Joey told Penny as they stopped, again, on the way home from Vegas. Penny threw up behind a bush and groaned in response. "Seriously girl, you are a goofy drunk too. I don't think that guy dressed up like Winnie the Pooh will ever recover. Bet he never pinches a chicks bottom again!" Joey laughed, remembering the look on his face when Penny pulled off his mask and told him in no uncertain terms just where he could take his, 'Hey baby, nice rack' and pinchy fingers, right before she kneed him in the groin.

"Remind me again why I'm in public dressed like this?" Penny eeped, as some guys walking by stared at her. "I really think I could have made a go as Uhura." She pleaded.

Joey turned around and glared at her, "You are only saying that because she is Spock's love interest and you've got a crush on your very own Spock like guy." She waggled her eyebrows at her, "besides I think you make a great Susan."

"But it's a kids movie! Surely no one will know who I am." Penny whined, right as a gaggle of guys approached her asking to take her picture.

"Susan, can we take a picture!" Then she had to pose with each of them, then they wanted to do a shot from below her so it looked like she really was giant.

"I really like the skate/cars, they're a great touch," one guy told her.

Joey just smirked at her. "Told ya. Sweetie I'm good, and I know what works."

"Easy for you to say, you aren't dressed like a giant cartoon character." Penny snarked back good naturedly. She was actually having more fun than she thought. They had a friendly guard to keep overzealous people away, but he hadn't been needed so far, Penny was keeping her fingers crossed, she's heard some tales from Joey and some of the other booth girls she's met the last few days. She was actually really glad she was Susan, since Susan's costume consisted of a white wig and black jumpsuit. Uhura's costume would have been a much more form fitted, short, red dress. And wasn't the red ones the ones who always died in the show? All the other main characters had blue or that hideous yellow color shirts. Wait did that mean they were gonna kill her off later?

She let her thoughts wander as she watched all the people in and out of costume wander by. Some of the costumes left very very little to the imagination and she could see how stupid guys who didn't have any dang sense might think that was an invitation. She had also seen some really hot guys too. She winked and smiled at them, especially when they came round to get a picture. And holy cow, that lady is also doing Susan! "Hey Joey, look," she pointed across the room. "Tell me that she's not dressed as Susan too? That's the one she wears in the space ship right, with the shiny bits?"

Joey laughed and went off to talk to the other Susan, later bringing her over so they could get a double Susan pic. She was talking costume making with Joey and they exchanged email addresses. She wondered what the boys were doing, but the thought was quickly chased away when a gaggle of teens dressed in some kind of school girl costumes swarmed over her.


	7. Betrayal!

Chapter 7 - Betrayal!

Penny was dancing around her apartment cleaning when the boys came home. Leonard knocked on her door and she flung it open mid-bellow, "...my life would suck without you! Oh hey Leonard, you guys are back!" Then she hugged him and seeing the rest of the boys over his shoulder, ran out to hug them too.

"Raj," she cried, as she flung her arms around him and kissed his cheek, "I missed you guys!" Howard started to open his mouth but at her glare shut it quickly and he too was enveloped in a soft warm hug. Then she turned to Sheldon, "Shut it Moonpie, I'm in a hugging mood and you're next." He took the hug with less flailing than the other guys expected.

"So did you guys keep warm in your Snuggies? I saw them at the store and I thought of the arctic and..." She trailed off at the looks of confusion on the guys faces. "Did you guys hate them?" She whispered sadly, "I guess it was a stupid gift."

Raj saw Leonard edging into the apartment furtively and yanked on Howard's shirt sleeve, pulling him down to whisper furiously in his ear. Howards head shot up and he glared at Leonard, "Leonard, you enjoyed your snuggie didn't you. Don't you want to tell Penny how much you enjoyed it?"

Leonard stopped jerkily, turning slowly, "Uh yeah the snuggies. Shoot I must have forgotten to pack the other three..." Everyone was staring at him now and he was not comfortable in the hot seat. "I hate it when that happens, there's always that one thing you forget and you get that niggling sensation in the back of your mind that you're forgetting something but you can never.. remember it." He trailed off lamely.

Penny stomped forward menacingly, "Are you telling me that you took one for yourself and left everyone else's here? And you didn't bother to tell them that I got them each one too? Did you tell them that I said I would miss them? What the hell Leonard?!" Penny was nearly frothing at the mouth in anger and luckily for Leonard, this was interrupted by Joey stumbling down the stairs.

"What in all the gods names is going on down here? I can hear you up a flight of stairs, through my door and over the music in my room!" She stumbled to a stop to see Penny scowling inches away from Leonard's terrified face, and Howard and Raj staring at her.

"Bonsoir belle mademoiselle," Howard oozed charmingly, taking her hand and admiring her sleep wear, a camisole and boy shorts emblazoned with the Superman logo. She batted away his hand and scowled at him and then the rest of the people in the hallway.

"Someone had better start explaining why I'm awake so early or I'm gonna start knocking heads together." She stated looking around. Raj eeped and took off for the bathroom.

Penny turned, scowling, "This weasel, took the gifts I asked him to hand out since I wouldn't see everyone before they left and he left them here and didn't even tell them I gave them to him!"

Leonard squirmed, "I forgot. I had a lot to pack and a lot going on and it slipped my mind."

"Leonard, they were all in the same bag, how could you have packed one and forgot the rest?" Penny yelled.

Sheldon had slipped away at some point in all the ruckus, and Raj came out of the bathroom to find Sheldon in his spot talking to his mother on the phone.

"The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success, I'm all but certain there's a Nobel Prize in my future. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I'm entirely certain. No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe is not proof that it worked, that logic is Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk. Mother, I have to go. Yeah, love you. Bye."

He looked up from the phone and saw Raj watching him. "Your nervous bladder strikes again I see."

"Ha ha," Raj said, "Sill hate fighting huh?" They sat in uncomfortable not-silence as Penny raged on in the hall, finally Raj couldn't hold his tongue anymore. "You aren't gonna win the Nobel."

Sheldon looked startled, "Of course I am. I have an IQ of 187 and I've just confirmed string theory."

Raj squirmed uncomfortably, "Actually dude, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you didn't. You were driving us crazy and barring killing you, the only thing we could think of to stop the trauma was um... *mumble mumble* experiment."

"You what my experiment?" Sheldon asked calmly, looking back Raj would think later, 'too calmly'.

"We used the interference caused by the electric can opener to tweak your results. Just to keep you calm. We planned to let you know as soon as it was safe so you could study the data back home."

"But I already emailed everyone at the university that I had confirmed string theory." Sheldon said, shrinking in on himself in shock.

Raj was mightily ashamed of himself and his friends, he bowed his head, "I'm sorry dude, we were going crazy and we couldn't handle you in that environment. It's easier to deal with all your eccentricities when we can go home every night. But cooped up like we were, we couldn't' do it." When he was met with silence, he looked up and found Sheldon gone. "Shit."

Outside in the hallway Leonard was trying to think of a way out of his predicament and latched on the Raj like a lifeline when he opened the door. "Raj, buddy, where have you been?"

Raj bowed his head, "I told him."

'This day just couldn't possibly get worse,' Leonard thought as he realised his lifeline was actually an anchor dragging him further down. He was about the get hit by the karma train and he could see the light heading his way. "What, why would you do that?" Leonard whined.

Howard's head popped up as Raj continued, "We all agreed that we would tell him when we got back, we are back, ergo, I told him. I couldn't keep it in anymore, I feel like shit. We should have told him no when he asked us to go with him. We screwed him over big time. He already told the university that he'd proved string theory. I bet there will be an inquest."

"It was just a prank!" Leonard howled, knowing deep down, but not wanting to admit it, that he was so very royally screwed. He glanced around hoping to see laughter, instead everyone looked angry.

"So let me see if I've got this straight." Penny said, holding up her hand and ticking off her fingers, "You failed to give the guys their presents while rubbing in their faces that I got you one. You knowingly sabotaged a friends very important, and I'm guessing, super expensive experiment." She looked around, "Did I miss anything? Oh no, don't let me forget, you totally sabotaged my date with Stuart."

Leonard was hoping the floor would open and he'd fall through, but it was not to be. He did however thank all his lucky stars when Joey groaned and grabbed Penny's arm and dragged her away saying, "Penny, I don't think there is anymore to say. Don't waste your time on him, he's not worth it."

But then he turned around and saw that Raj and Howard were still glaring at him. "We are leaving," Raj said primly, "I can't believe you man. You said this wasn't gonna be a big deal, but now, seeing how you've screwed pretty much everyone you know over, I just don't know you anymore."

Howard was nodding, "He's right man, this is a big deal. We could lose our jobs. I gotta go home and check on ma." They both looked at him sadly before heading back down the stairs.

Leonard banged his head against the door. 'Why was everyone so against him today. It was just a joke and anyone could forget stuff.' He opened the door and went in, greeted by silence. Oh thank goodness. He crawled into his bed and let the weariness overtake him.

Later that day Penny got a text from Raj saying that he appreciated her thinking of him, even though he didn't get her present. 'Aww,' she thought, 'he really is a sweetie.' She tucked her phone back in her pocket and finished her lunch, while sitting with the other actors she was working with. Since Comic-Con she had had more gigs than in all the time she'd been in L.A. While she was mildly disappointed that she wasn't a big film star, doing voice work for tv and video games wasn't the worst thing she could be doing. At least she got to keep all of her clothes on. In fact no one cared what she looked like. It was daunting and refreshing at the same time.

The assistant to the director came over and told them they had a few more minutes and then they needed to get back to taping, so she hurried to throw out her trash and then wash her hands. She started to get melancholy that she hadn't even got to tell the guys about her new job this morning but it had all gone to hell pretty quickly when they all realised what a buttface Leonard had been being. She tore herself back to the here and now quickly, heading into the booth to record.

Howard and Raj had spent most of the morning discussing how to fix the situation and hopefully keep their jobs, and for Raj, his Visa, since it was dependant on his having a job. They decided to show up first thing in the morning to tell the whole story to Dr Gablehauser in person, hoping that by stepping up and taking responsibility they'd come out the better for it. They tried to talk to Leonard but he wasn't answering his texts. They thought about asking Sheldon but figured they'd messed his life up enough.

Sheldon had retreated to his room, devastated by the dual blows of being betrayed by his friends and the sure knowledge that he would be a laughing stock at the university. He had dithered about using his Sunday pajamas since it was before his standard bedtime, but he knew he needed to rest so settled with using his Saturday pajamas since he could just wash them along with his laundry from the trip and have them ready for Saturday night. Then he lay down and allowed the exhaustion to overtake him.


	8. The Waste Hits the Spinning Turbine

Chapter 8 - The Waste Hits the Spinning Turbine

Raj was fairly terrified. He had stopped at every bathroom he passed in an attempt to quell his bladder. He was unsure if this would produce the desired result as he had not peed at all in the last go. He was hoping for the best, but wore a Depends just in case. He kept checking his reflection, hoping no one could tell.

Howard was there as he walked up to Dr. Gablehauser's door, he also looked terrified. Raj looked around, 'Where was Leonard, he should be here by now?' Howard looked so relieved to see him, he nearly smiled, then he remembered that he could be losing his job today and be off to the less than glorious subcontinent of India far too soon.

He reached over and opened the door, ushering in Howard, only to have Dr. Gablehauser's dragon lady secretary inform him, "You need to report to conference room four." Raj and Howard shared a look, both knowing this was bad news. The only reason they would need C4 was if a lot of people were involved.

They walked quickly to the conference rooms, and found more people than they expected milling around the hallway. They received a lot of hostile looks and had to squeeze past a few people to get to room four. If they were hoping to be relieved upon walking in, they were wrong and Raj was glad he'd worn the depends.

Dr. Gablehauser was standing by the front of the room at a podium. Behind him a screen was set up showing a blank office wall. He saw them coming and pointed at two chairs right up front that sat empty, their names printed on sheets of paper taped to the seats. Sheldon was there, looking jittery and at the end a chair labeled for Leonard was empty. Raj slipped into his chair, greeting Sheldon with a, "Hey buddy. Where's Leonard?"

Sheldon glanced at him, "Leonard did not deign to grace me with his presence this morning and though I didn't really want to speak with him anyway, I was forced to take the bus. They wouldn't let me use the bungees either. It was a harrowing trip."

"Dude, we were coming here too, you could have asked for a ride." Raj squeaked, watching Sheldon's eyebrows climb up his hairline.

"Indeed, because you have proven to be so reliable of late." Sheldon retorted.

Raj had no comeback to this, seeing where they were and why; Howard, wisely, kept his mouth shut, to better keep his feet out of it.

Suddenly Dr. Gablehauser was calling for attention and several people were seen crowding into the screen. Leonard still hadn't showed and that did not bode well for his chances of continued employment. Scientific malfeasance was taken quite seriously at Caltech. How could they claim to have the best scientific minds working for them, working towards world wide goals, when one or more of those minds would deliberately tamper with the findings of a group work. Even if the lead scientist happened to be certifiably cracked.

"There have been some whispers this morning about the recent Arctic expedition led by our own Dr. Sheldon Cooper. We are here to lay the whispers to rest, to get to the full truth of the matter." Dr. Gablehauser began. "I have here three of the four members..." Here he was interrupted by the door swinging open and Leonard rushing through, sweating profusely.

Leonard took in the packed room, the screen of people, all peering at him curiously, then the empty seat next to Howard. He blushed scarlet, apologising as he squeezed through the throng to seat himself under the dire gaze of Dr. Gablehauser.

"As I was saying, I have here the four members of the expedition, and we shall quickly get to the truth." He turned to Sheldon, "Dr. Cooper, if you could, please step up and explain your experiment and the results you had gained, previous to the revelation of tampering."

Sheldon stood awkwardly before the crowd, knowing now that what he thought he had accomplished was merely a trick, a wretched trick imposed upon him by his supposed friends and treasured acquaintance. He began to speak and was carried back to his original excitement, to detect slow moving monopoles, to confirm string theory and his enthusiasm for the topic at hand carried him through, keeping his audience in thrall.

He explained everything about the trip, all the science behind it and finally his disappointment when Raj, er Dr. Koothrappali informed him of the 'trick'. There was an outbreak of whispers and Dr. Gablehauser had to step in to redirect the attention. He sent Sheldon back to his seat and asked Raj to come up and explain further, since he had been the one to first, tell Sheldon and second, to come clean to himself via phone.

Raj told them all about being trapped in the small space, about how Sheldon, Dr. Cooper, was in such a state of excitation, when coupled with his other idiosyncrasies, caused a group break in faculties. How they had plotted ways to disable Dr. Cooper. When one day they found an odd blip in the readings that caused Dr. Cooper to relax finally and then finding it repeated when the can opener was employed, it was posited by Dr. Hofstadter that by judicious use of said can opener, they could keep Dr. Cooper stable, thus ensuring the survival of them all. The others had reluctantly agreed, rather than go home early in disgrace, to continue the ruse with the expectation that it would be explained when they returned to California. With the clear expectation that Dr. Cooper would then be able to work with the actual data still.

His explanation was met with a suruss of whispered voices from the others in the room and on video conference. He glanced at his friends; Leonard looked pissed, Howard had his head bowed in shame and Sheldon, Sheldon looked gutted. Raj felt even worse than he had before, knowing that because they couldn't deal, they had ruined his expedition, to what, save face? And look where that had led them. Here to this room, all of their bosses and supervisors present, the president of the university there looking on, and in conference, the National Science Foundation people who had allowed them on the expedition.

Raj was sent back to his seat and Howard was asked if he had anything to add, he mutely shook his head, allowing that Raj had spoke the truth. An extremely pissed off Leonard was asked if he had a rebuttal, but he knew, sitting there seething, that what had been said was nothing less than the truth, no matter how it irked him. He could stand there and explain what it was like to live with Sheldon and his bizarre schedules, regimented habits and other oddities, tell them all what it was like being trapped there at the top of the world with him. The way he started to backpedal into madness dragging them all with him. He could. But he knew no one would care.

He, they, could have said, no, we can't handle that, and Sheldon would have been forced to interview the more qualified candidates. They should have. He hadn't wanted to go anyway. Wanted to stay, enjoy the peace of their empty apartment, the glory of having the freedom to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Maybe bring his girlfriend over and whistle, or whatever. He'd even have Penny's undivided attention, where maybe he could make some headway convincing her he was the one for her, Penny was hotter than Stephanie any day, not that he'd ever be stupid enough to say that outloud, at least not where either one could hear him.

No one would care, because this was science. Plenty of people who hated each other managed to at least pretend to get along for the sake of the science. Here and now, they were friends, not enemies, and they had done this, this trick, on purpose. With intent. Maybe not intent to sabotage his scientific breakthrough, but with the intent to deceive at the very least. None of the people here now would approve of their actions, nor allow them to slide. In what universe could they ever?

In the end he just sat, stewing in his own anger and self pity. He knew he'd done wrong, hoped he'd never be caught and thought it would all blow over. He was wrong and he was not really ready to reap what he had sown. His silence was taken as the only answer he would give.

Dr. Gablehauser broke into the whispering, telling them that he would be in further conference with his peers and that everyone else could go on back to work. He turned then to Sheldon and his friends, "You should all go home. We will contact you at a later date to inform you of our decision. You are admonished to not discuss amongst yourselves anything pertaining to this inquiry. It may be prudent to seek counsel, if it is decided that you will be held liable for the costs incurred on this expedition."

It was a long day. Longer still than any of the days spent in isolation at the North Pole. They spent it alone, or in the case of Sheldon and Leonard, as alone as two people who live in the same apartment can.

Leonard hadn't told Stephanie he was back. He'd been in the midst of drama since the moment he arrived at his doorstep and he hadn't even thought of her in his state. He'd slept the day and night before, the sleep of the guilty, the exhausted, tossing and turning at times, other times sleeping deeply but dreaming of disturbing things he couldn't recall upon awakening. He'd woken that morning to find his phone still off from the plane, he'd had no reason to turn it on, pretty much everyone he usually talked to was with him, and no one else would have known to call since they hadn't had a firm return date.

He turned it on and found it inundated with texts and voicemails from his boss. He'd seen the clock and thrown his clothes on. He found himself alone in the apartment, as he rushed out the door to work. Then he arrived to find the dragon who guarded his boss telling him crossly that he needed to be in conference room four with everyone else. The day had gone down hill from there.

Sheldon had refused a ride home, merely stalking off towards his office when asked by any of them. Panic started creeping into Leonard's soul. It was one thing to put in play a stupid trick while they were so far away from everyone and everything. The reality of his culpability and the thought of his prospects was daunting. Would he even have a job at the end of all of this? If he didn't what would he do? Who would hire someone who had been found to sabotage his friends experiment?

Sheldon too sat alone wondering how his life had led to this. Here he was, brilliant beyond most of his subspecies, homo sapiens. He was homo novus, a step up, now brought low by those he trusted. Understanding others emotions and thought processes was not his strong suit. He had previously assumed they had all enjoyed the trip as much as he had. It left him feeling uneasy, this inability to have noticed this happening right under his nose.

He was brought out of his musings by a knock at the front door. He was surprised to find Penny on the other side. Generally she just breezed in like she owned the place.

She stood fidgeting at his doorstep, "How are you today Sheldon? I'm sorry I ran off and left you to deal on your own last night. I just got so upset I barely even spared a thought to how you must be feeling."

He was confused by her presence. She had not caused his friends to mistreat him, nor had she herself mistreated him. It never occurred to him to be sorry for something he did, much less that someone else had done. He spoke only the truth and he was smarter than everyone one he knew, thus necessitating him informing them of things they didn't or couldn't see. So he told her that, "You did not participate in the ruin of my career, I don't understand why you would be sorry."

"Oh Sheldon," Penny exclaimed, "You can feel sorry for another person's pain even if you aren't the cause. And I do. You are my friend and no matter how wacky you are you don't deserve to have your best friends treat you like rubbish." He looked distinctly uncomfortable so she changed the subject, "Oh I see you haven't gone through your mail yet." She indicated the carefully rubber banded piles in a basket on his desk.

He picked one up thoughtfully. He glanced through them all quickly, noting that she had followed his directions to the letter. He looked back at her, "Yes well, good job doing what you agreed to do. Where is the key?"

"It's here," she smirked, holding it up. "Should I keep the emergency key or give it back now?"

"It is your key, for emergency use. How would it help you or I in an emergency if I had it here?" He asked thoroughly puzzled.

"Sheldon, even if I knew you wanted me to keep the key it's polite to offer it back to you, in case you changed your mind about me having a key to your home. Some people change their locks after a trip, just in case the person they let keep an eye on things may have kept a copy of the key." She grimaced, "I can think of a few people I would not want having a key to my apartment. I can even remember a time I regretted allowing you guys to have one."

While Sheldon still wasn't sure what about him doing her the immense favour of tidying her apartment it was that had caused her upset, he did know that it had upset her and he generally did not try to upset her just to upset her. "Yes, I now know that cleaning another person's home without their permission while they are asleep is frowned upon." Sheldon chewed on his lower lip, "However if one had permission to do so, they could in fact clean when the owner was not asleep, right?"

"Sheldon, honey, if it bothers you that much, we can set up a time for you to have at it, if it really will make you feel better. Clutter doesn't bother me and as long as nothing else is living in there, I don't care what it looks like." Penny wasn't embarrassed to admit she wasn't a neat freak and if it made Sheldon happy to come round and clear up after her, more power to him.


	9. Plots Afoot

Leonard was staring off into space when he was hit upon with an idea that made him jolt from his seated position. Stephanie, she had practically moved in here with him, perhaps he could reciprocate in the same manner. If he went over with a bottle of wine and some flowers, oozed charm and let her know how much he missed her he might even be able to play off the incident as his subconscious trying to get him back home to her. Girls were pretty stupid and they ate up insipid crap like that.

He texted her to find out when she would be home and gathered some things into a bag. When he went out the door, he vaguely heard Sheldon's voice coming from Penny's apartment, but she was mad at him too, so he didn't want to draw attention to himself. He hot footed it down the stairs and to his car.

He found a bottle of wine that wasn't too cheap or too expensive, found some flowers that looked pretty and headed for the restaurant he remembered her liking to order take out. It certainly couldn't hurt to have dinner for her when he got there, just so long as she didn't expect that kind of thing all the time. He was heartily sick of catering to the whims of another, he was ready to have his whims catered to. Surely with the way Stephanie had carried on when he had almost dumped her, after she scared the pants off of him when he realised she had practically moved in with him, she would be so happy that he was interested in spending more time with her, she'd move mountains to make him happy.

He approached her apartment like a man with a plan, a plan to woo and win, losing was not an option. He needed out of his apartment before Sheldon, or worse Penny, made his life any more miserable than it was.

Stephanie greeted him with enthusiastic hugs and kissed him like she was eating his face. His plan was working so far. When he went in the bathroom he set up his toothbrush, deodorant and other essentials on the counter. He placed his coffee cup in her cupboard while she had her head in the freezer getting out some ice cream to finish off dinner.

He left his clothes in her hamper when they crawled into bed and he made it his goal to incite her to finish more than once before he would take his turn. He needed, wanted, this to go his way, he needed her to think this was her idea. For her to ask him not to leave her every night or morning after.

She held him tightly as she fell asleep and he forced himself not to squirm out of her grasp. He hated being touched while he was asleep. After she was deeply asleep he eased out of her arms and rolled over, exhausted, falling deeply asleep.

Joey was rambling up the stairs, talking excitedly into her phone when Sheldon was going down to catch the bus the next morning. He needed some cleaning supplies just for Penny's apartment, since she had accepted his help in taming her apartment.

He nodded to Joey, who broke off her conversation, "Gotta go, bye!" Turning to Sheldon as he came closer she asked him, "What's up? How'd it go yesterday? You off to work now?"

He sighed, "I do not know how to explain how yesterday was. There was a meeting and I was given some time off. I am going to the market to pick up some cleaning supplies, Penny has allowed that perhaps she lacks in the cleaning department and is allowing me to rectify the situation. It's been awhile since I've tidied up in there and I hesitate to think what state the rest of the apartment is in."

"Would you mind terribly if I come with you? I'll drive," Joey offered. "I was gonna go in a little bit anyway, before bed."

Sheldon debated internally. On one hand if she came along and drove he would not have to take the bus. On the other hand, he had never ridden with her before and knew nothing of her driving skills, apart from seeing her driving in or out of the parking lot. It was a chance he decided to take, given what he needed and that he'd have to haul it all back on the bus. "Oh very well, you can accompany me," he said, quickly adding, "but I get to choose the route."

Joey shrugged, "Yeah sure ok, you know the area better than I do anyhow. Gimme a sec to go grab my list and I'll meet you downstairs." Then she dodged past him and up the stairs, two at a time.

Sheldon shook his head at her antics. No decorum, that one, and her stairwell manners were appalling. He continued down the stairs, changing his shopping list in his head as he went. Now he would be able to get a small caddy to contain everything. That would make things easier. He wondered if Penny would be amenable to keeping the supplies in her apartment, so he could get started anytime.

He didn't have to wait long downstairs, even though he had substantially longer legs than Joey, she had jumped down rather a lot of the stairs and thanked her lucky stars that she was springy in the knees from all the skating she did. She grinned at him and thanked him politely when he held the door for her.

Safely ensconced in her car, he was happy to see she put her seatbelt on before she started the car, and that the stereo volume was on low. He directed her to the store he wanted and braced himself for when she pulled into traffic. She drove well, he was surprised and stated so.

She laughed and said, "I learned to drive in Texas and with all the places I've driven since, I've only gotten more careful. Everyone drives so nicely where I'm from, they all wave and if you're going faster than them they move over for you. Here you're more likely to get the finger than a wave and if you're not doing 80 on the freeway they'll sit on your bumper until they can pass you, phones pressed to their ears and likely doing their makeup too. Frankly I abhor the freeway here. I'll take city streets and stop lights any day."

She drove the speed limit, all of the dash lights were unlit, she kept the music down without being told... all in all Sheldon thought it was one of the nicest rides he'd had of late.

He had no idea that she had been forewarned by Penny, so she was on her best behaviour. She had an ulterior motive, she desperately wanted to see if he was really as crazy as Penny made him seem. She also wanted to see if she could figure out if he showed any interest in Penny as a woman, vs a as a friend whose house he seemed intent on cleaning. She shook her head at that thought, it was really too bizarre.

She'd had to learn at a young age, either she kept up after herself or things disapeared inexplicably. Her father's teaching method of choice; he would remind her to tidy up, then if she didn't do it in a timely manner, stuff just wandered off. Never important things, her school books never went missing, but she went through a fair few hairbrushes before she stopped leaving them in the sitting room. Turned out he just kept several in a bin in his closet and when she 'lost' one, he'd make a show of having to add it to the shopping list and then just get one of the others she'd 'lost' and replace it. She was 12 when she figured that out, but by then she'd already learned to keep it in the bathroom or her own room.

"So Sheldon, why are you cleaning Penny's apartment." Joey asked, carefully not taking her eyes off the road. "I mean I get that it bugs you, but I mean it bugs me when people go shopping in their slippers but I don't go buy shoes for people so they stop..." She trailed off, hoping he'd fill in.

"Penny is my friend, and since I spend time in her apartment, she agreed that if it would make me feel better while I am there, she would allow me to clean it to my standards. I doubt I would be able to enter her abode if it were truly dirty, it's mostly just messy and very disorganised." Sheldon posited. "If she had a vermin or zygomycota infestation, I wouldn't be able to enter. In fact I would probably report her to the building manager. Though he rarely takes my calls." Sheldon mused.

Joey joked, "Oh. Do you do windows?"

He pursed his lips, "I do, indeed."

Right, Penny said he didn't get sarcasm, how about subtlety? "Penny is awful pretty isn't she?"

Sheldon twitched. "While she does meet the standards of our society for beauty, I wouldn't describe her as awful at it, unlike her driving and cleaning. Do you find her attractive? Do you need my help signaling your interest in her?"

Joey laughed, loud and hard, thanking all the deities she was aware of that she was at a red light. "Sheldon, I'm completely one hundred percent heterosexual."

Sheldon was looking a bit startled and was clutching the armrest, but managed to relax when she stopped laughing when the light changed.

The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful, and Joey was left feeling like she didn't get the information she had been seeking. She left Sheldon at his door and dragged her bags up, ready for bed.


End file.
